2 to 3 blogs per weeks? Who said that? Oops I did. Well friends i wrote this blog a week before we left Ecuador and I thought I would post it now. It’s a long one but it’s worth the read!
The last three weeks have been a roller coaster. Ecuador has been a tough place. Quite frankly I can’t wait to get out of here and I hope to never come back. We leave next week! Wohoooo!! Anyways part of me wants to be bitter towards this place but I actually couldn’t be more grateful for this experience. His plan always included the tears and frustrations. Time after time he proves his steadfast love overcomes all things.
Before the Race I had always been an internal processor. I struggled to put my thoughts and emotions into words because I never really had done so my whole life. I would hide my hurts and struggles really well. I could talk about anyone’s problems but mine. I would feel like a burden to others, even my inner circle. I believed that my hurts and thoughts weren’t worth talking about. Day 2 of the race I realized the unhealthily habits and cycles of isolation I’ve had my whole life. Going from this way of life to living in a community that cares and encourages healthy community living is really hard and scary. While I have been working on breaking habits throughout this whole race I still hadn’t gotten fully there. I knew the truth, and the fruit of inviting others in. friends would have to pry me open. without realizing I believed that I was a burden to God. I annoyed him with my repeated requests, doubts of his character, feelings that I shouldn’t have. I felt like I needed to earn his love, grind hard at El Refugio and always be my best. How can I live in community and receive love when I believe that the One source of life thinks this way of me?
Going from living with 39 people to 5, in the mountains was lonely. I was so lonely. I still had people around me and one of my closest friends but I was so lonely. My bed was the worst place. I never wanted to get in it cause I’d always end up crying myself to sleep. I had no motivation, life has no purpose, and so on. I would have the most amazing two hours of silence with the Lord in then morning but then I would feel so down the rest of the day. I could always cry but had no idea why. I just felt heavy. Now I knew something good would come out of it and I knew that it was from God, but I was so over it. Around the 4th week at el refugio, I started to physically not feel good. My tummy would really hurt after I ate, and random fevers and headaches would come and go, and random smells or thoughts of food would make me nauseous. One night while my tummy was hurting, I couldn’t sleep and was crying in my bed. I decided to listen to some music to fall asleep. Three songs came on. They were Here Again by Elevation Worship, Help is on the Way by Amanda Cook, and Angles by Elle Limebear. Give them a listen. All within a second when I realized how much these songs were speaking straight to me A warmth came over me, my tummy stopped hurting, I was overcome by peace. It took me by suprise. I was so comfortable. I had been sleeping on a horrible futon but in that instant it was the most comortable thing I have slept on. Like sleeping on clouds. I fell asleep so quickly. the next morning i woke up not feeling the best again.
That day I was working on tilling a garden pulling out weeds. It was freezing out and had finished raining. I asked God that if he wants me to keep working then he must keep me warm, if not then I’m going inside. (Like I said earlier I felt like I had to work for God to earn his love) I was so tired so I decided to sit in the dirt. It was so warm! Like radiating warmth. I was wearing a rain jacket and my whole jacket felt like the sun was shining directly on it. It made me laugh. I imagined God would just warm my body but instead I sat down and that did it. I still wasn’t feeling good so I went in early for lunch. I went to lay down and woke up with a 101 fever about thirty minutes later. I took some ibuprofen and went back to bed. I woke up about 2 hours later with a 102 fever. TMI, but I had been peeing out of my butt every 20-30 minutes for the last 4 days. I wasn’t getting better so We decided to go the hospital. At this point I was crying, I was so scared to go, in Guatemala the hospitals were horrible and I was scared these would be the same or that they would super charge me cause I’m a gringa. I also knew there wasn’t a stopping place along the way and was worried I might poop my pants. One of my ministry host took me with my squad leader Hannah.
Twenty minutes later when we got there. I was immediately seen. my fever had gone up to 104.6. I remember lying on the bed crying while the doctor tried to put an Iv in my arm but kept failing. It was horrible. But while I felt like absolute death I had never felt more loved. The nurses were so kind to me, holding my hand and petting my hair. They spoke so gently. I was the only patient there. They moved me to a room with the comfiest bed, while they gave me medication. I was surrounded by caring people. My squad leader Hannah was with me. Side note: About a week ago my friend told me to read Hebrews which I hadn’t gotten to read past chapter one but I knew I needed to read it. Hannah brought her handy dandy Bible and said “should we read some scripture” I said sure why not. she said “hmmm I’m gonna read Hebrews”. Of course you are I thought. Gods been telling me to read everyday this week but I haven’t. We stayed till 12 am then I went home and was going back in the morning for some tests. It turned out I had a parasite and bacterial infection so I got my medication and left.
It’s just so funny because I am such a fighter. I never want help unless I truly need it. I had realized it took getting to this point when I was physically not able to take care of myself and emotionally not strong enough to fight to take care of myself, was when I felt Gods kindness and care so deeply. He knocked me right down just to show me how big his care is. I had revelations throughout the whole next day about how much he cares. The weekend before I was talking to my friend Naomi. She was with me at el refugio and definitely knew I wasn’t okay. She has been asking what’s wrong for so long and blah blah blah and one morning she said” Liz when are finally gonna realize that people just care about you. People want to hear you.” It wasn’t the first time I had heard that question. But this time I realized what It took. I had a few days to recover until I was back at 100%.
About a week and half later one Saturday morning I woke up in the best mood. I had a great day planned and was so excited. I had planned to read through genesis and revelation that day with a few friends. As I started to read I started to feel really tired. Then smells started to make me nauseous, my tummy stated hurting again. I ran to bathroom and was peeing out of butt again. I was like oh no I’m praying this one away. Anyway I laid down and eventually started to feel better. I figured it was just the breakfast I ate that did me wrong. I was debating going to the park like planned and decided I still wanted to go and I’d just ignore my body not being well. Right when I was walking out the door I ran to the bathroom vomiting. That morning I vomited around every 20 minutes. I’d lay down take a sip of water and get up to run to bathroom later. After 2 hours I realized this wasn’t going to stop and I told my only squad mate home, Jaide that I needed to go the hospital immediately. Thankfully our host was on his way to airport and could drop me at the hospital on his way. It was a different hospital this one was about an hour away but was much bigger and much fancier. I puked in the car in a bag i brought only to find
It had a hole in it. But thankfully only got on me and not the car. Within 10 minutes of going to the hospital I was in bed with an IV in my arm. My squad leader Hannah met me in the hospital.
Fortunately this time when I got to the doctor I didn’t start feeling better until about eight hours later. The eight hours consisted of me sleeping, only to wake up from a dream about food that would make me nauseous and vomit. I was running to the bathroom which thankfully was right across my room, every 20 minutes. The stomach specialist came and said they wanted to keep me overnight cause the medication will take a long time. They also wanted to make sure that I didn’t have damage from vomiting. But that I have to pay $3000 out of pocket as a down payment to get me admitted. My card limit is $2000 and Hannah did not have enough money on her card and together we didn’t have enough money. it had to be paid on one card. Hannah doesn’t speak Spanish also. So while I’m dying and vomiting. Hannah is over here being speedy quick to get me the trash can within 2 second of me beginning to gag, as well as telling the nurses when I need to go the bathroom, and trying to figure out another way to get me admitted cause we can’t pay money and I can’t go home without treatment. By then it was 10 PM and we could try another hospital, but I was feeling so ill that we didn’t want to try and do that. But here’s the good thing: Bill, a man who works for AIM, and his family had come down to Ecuador for the seven weeks we were there to be with us. He was able to get an Uber and took The hour ride To and from the hospital to swipe his card to pay the $3000 fee so I could get admitted. Thank you Jesus and Bill for providing!!!!
They admitted me overnight and I hadn’t stopped puking till about 11 PM.. The next morning I woke up without a fever feeling a lot better just exhausted. I was in a very nice room. I asked if I could take a shower since I was disgusting. now for somebody who doesn’t like to receive help, having a nurse help me shower isnt ideal but once again I actually physically couldn’t do it alone. So the sweetest nurse ever helped me shower. I also unexpectedly pooped my pants in bed. Another embarrassing moment that I couldn’t take care of alone either. I stayed in the hospital for another night as they finished medication and started easing me from liquid to solids. While this experience sucks because I was feeling like absolute crap I couldn’t help but rejoice in the kindness of our father. I remembered an encounter we had back in October.
Back at Samaritans purse my team and I were clearing out some trees and mold from a pretty run down home. inside there was one man who was on his deathbed, had been on this bed for months. He lived with his two brothers who took care of him. His name was Grover. The only thing that this man could say no matter what question was asked was this. “I’ve seen and done a whole lot and I ain’t complaining about nothing, the Lord has been good to me.” In the most enthusiasticsouthern accent you can imagine. He would sit and talk to the lord all day. I Remember we were blown away. This man who could do nothing but Lay down and smoke a cigarette, who needed assistance to use the bathroom, sit up, eat and so on was lying in bed praising the lord for his life, so excited to die. Regardless of the situation he has been in for months he was filled with joy beyond belief.
During my time in the hospital I kept thinking about Grover and how he was in this place of nothing and praising the Lord for bringing him there. But seriously how kind is the Lord to bring me to a place where I can do nothing. I just get to rest in his presence. He is taking care of me And if I’m in bed and can’t get up then so be it. Then on Monday at about noon they released me with a strict diet and medication to kill my amoebas and infection for good. The medication had side effects were nausea and fainting. My team was working that week and normally I would feel guilty that it wasn’t there helping them but once again this time I couldn’t help them but I was OK because I didn’t need to earn anyone’s approval or show that I was capable. It was so nice to rest and recover.
God bless,
Liz
